The Big Ol’ World

So considering that I’m now just over a month into my 20’s I really should probably have it all figured out by now. I mean the universe has given me ample time, I’m really just taking the mickey now.

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Through a series of late night tumblr readings I have come to the slow realisation we are actually not as alone in the world as puberty would have us believe. So many people share our thoughts and emotions (at the very least to pass judgement on the Kardashians) and yet we are left to figure out so much on our own. Why must we all pretend to have it sorted. Let’s help each other out.

In the interests of exposing the absolute ridiculousness of the world we live in I thought I would give us a bit of an idea of the total idiocy of adulthood that is to come.

I also thoroughly recommended listening to this song before reading this post. It will 100% get in you into the right frame of mind for feeling emotional about your life.

spoiler alert this post will include many ‘?!’ simply because that is an accurate description of basically every emotion I have.

Banks like what even are they?! 

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I just feel like people know what to do there. There is this weird bank etiquette and it’s so quiet. Inevitably you are going to be walking off this really loud busy street into this like cone of silence. AND NUMBERS they always want to know numbers. Like I’m sorry if I can’t keep track of all the 10 digit identification numbers that I have to remember now that I’m entrenched in bureaucracy but just let me give you my dogsname95 and let’s be done with it. Also please stop judging me for my recent purchases and bank balance. Me being here is a formality. thank you.

Budgeting

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Do people actually do this?! or more importantly do people actually do this successfully.

Budgeting in my world means buying $10 wine so that I have enough money for maccas and rent AND THAT’S IT. Who are these forward planners and what is their actual deal.

To be fair I had a rare moment of organisation this year in which I had a part time job and saved every pay check I had. However now I’m entering into very dangerous territory . Somehow I’ve forgotten the reason I saved all that money (rent, groceries, furniture and other basic life necessities, plane tickets) and all I can see is sushi and juices and online shopping and buying copper wire baskets. That hard earned cash is burning a mighty hole in my ANZ app.

How am I supposed to saved money for the future when I’m too busy suppressing the shopping urges that are being fired at me from all corners of social life.

Proper resumés

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If your resumé doesn’t say ‘I’m a determined, energetic and friendly person’ then you’re either an adult or you’re 10. Welcome to the black hole that is the aged 14 – 22 resume. Unless you’re a child prodigy (in which case get off my blog we are not your people here) then you haven’t really achieved anything of high levels of note so you’re stuck fluffing it out with a series of activities you did in 2011.

Volunteering for the Red Cross because it’s part of your schools compulsory senior student program doesn’t count as ‘being involved in community outreach programs’ (and yet it’s a staple on my resumé, I have to take what I can get)

‘References available on request’ – because you’re hoping that they just don’t go to the effort and realise your best reference is from a 3 week retail job in 2010.

If staying up till 2am surrounded by mandarin peels and chocolate wrappers watching episodes of The Office because you’re too scared to go to sleep and face the harsh reality of life counts as the ‘previous experience necessary for this position’ then I would say yes and I’m over qualified.

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Student Loans

How am I supposed to become a functioning adult when there is a student loan hanging over my head like a never ending hangover that just says HA HA enjoy never being successful you BA sucker. AND I HAVEN’T EVEN GRADUATED YET.

Knowing about ‘the economy’ 

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Srsly does anybody even know?!

Knowing how to sauté things/being able to cook in general

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As I prepare to enter the next 60 years of cooking for myself the prospect of doing something meaningful with a brussel sprout is nothing short of terrifying. Why can’t frying an egg be enough?! How do people even come to know this information.

I’m doomed to be eating baked beans on toast for the rest of enternity.

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Taxes 

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ANYTHING TO DO WITH TAX. I get it. We need to pay our taxes. but why do they have to be so confusing. Like when am I eligible for a return, why are tax codes completely unrelated to what they are actually for. Who has these answers?!

Not being too scared to answer the home phone when no one else is home

I’ve literally only just got over this fear.

 If Dave the Electrician calls I’m 100% hanging up and crawling into bed. no way I can handle the pressure of describing the flickering bathroom light.

Being good at small talk

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how are you?

*folds arms across chest in preparation for ensuing awkwardness

how is uni?

how is auckland?

*insert ‘oh yup cool’ x15 

how were your papers?

*insert brief hesitation when they consider whether to ask about you grades and you consider whether to reply

where are you living next year?

*insert nodding, followed by brief tangent about the crazy Auckland house prices

how is being home?

how is the family?

*insert banter about the first time they moved back home for the summer

*insert strained laughter

so are you working over the summer?

*screams internally

I’m sorry if I don’t want to constantly answer the same questions over and over for you to catalogue into some heirarchy of success of all the people you know.

I don’t want to do the whole dance where everyone pretends to care about the most basic and boring elements of each others lives. The worst part is you kind of have to do it before you can skip to talking about the good stuff. I think I might just get a t-shirt made up.

If anyone wants a welcome respite from prematurely freaking out about the mundanities of life then head over to F**k I’m In My Twenties. While the title is none too poetic it’s a pretty earnest, hilarious and honest blog at the lives of ’20 somethings’ and it does well in supporting my ‘we are not alone’ argument when you realise that you are aggressively nodding to every post.

So who’s ready to take on the challenges that modern life has to throw at us.

DEFINITELY ME.

 

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